'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As father did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung next the modem with care
In the hope that Santa would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of computer games filling their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II is for Dan,
Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by mom,
To santa@toyshop.northpole.com -
Which now had been re-routed to Washington State
Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates.
All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After living a life that was simple and spare,
Santa now finds that he's a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion, and the old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,
It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
Why Santa's Asking For A Raise
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.
9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.
8. Reindeer and elves have unionised, driving up his cost.
7. New tax on flying sleighs.
6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two
years.
5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.
4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.
3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.
2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.
1. The Mrs. told him to.
What Do
You Do At Christmas?
A teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they
celebrated Christmas. She called first on young Patrick Murphy.
"Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class "Me and my twelve brothers and sister
go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very
late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come
with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do
at Christmas?"
"Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing
carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney
and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus
to bring our presents."
"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said.
Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting
to leave him out of the discussion, she asked him the same
question.
"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, we also sing carols," Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing."
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the
office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves
and sing, "What a friend we have in Jesus." Then we all go to
the Bahamas for 2 weeks.
